Dancing for a God
Dec. 26th, 2019 06:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bethlakshmiSo... I'm home, and already in the middle of too many things.... my house is covered in semi-unpacked luggage, and my truly embarrassing amount of India shopping, and now !Christmas presents!.... I'm recovering from cold and jet lag.... back at work... and trying to redact so, so many amazing pictures of Indian history.
But after banging my head against picture sorting, and web page editing for 5 days, I wanted to get something DONE.
I originally wrote this post on the day it occurred. It was meant to catch everyone up on my trip to Belur. But it was so much more than that.
Trip to Belur - Dec. 5-6, 2019
After a trip to Halebide on the 5th, we visited the Belur temple. We had visited briefly the night before, but it was already dark (6:30 PM) when we arrived, so we mostly walked around, enjoyed it, saw the 7PM Puja and had some Prasad. I was very glad we went that day, because even stepping onto the temple grounds was overwhelming for me. I admit, I was also tired, and we'd had a long journey, but something magical is there, and it spoke to my heart.
Also seeing Vishnu during the Puja touched me. This particular instance of Vishnu is called the beautiful Vishnu or Smiling Vishnu and I think maybe he is the Vishnu for this part of my life… the way Rangathna was the Vishnu for my 20's. When I first saw Ranganatha in 1998, he spoke to me it was such a strong presence that reminded me that there are many ways to see God - it's not limited to a single religion - He's so much bigger than that… now, 21 years later, I feel like the Vishnu in Belur is speaking, although he is saying something different. I don’t know quite what…. But sometimes figuring out what God is trying to say can take a while. It's always worth the work.
…. But before I go wandering off into my Hindu/Christian spiritual philosophy, let me get back to the action…
On the drive to Belur, Amma and I had concocted our Great Plan - namely, that tomorrow morning, I'd get dressed in a full costume with the intent of taking (at a bare minimum) some static pictures on one of our cell phones at this temple. While I'm always one for a crazy outfit, and some potential public humiliation - something about changing in the car at Halebide was a turn-off for me - probably just that it was a lot of work for a minimal reward. But seeing the beauty of Belur + the opportunity to get dressed in an actual hotel room (and bathroom) - got me onboard. For Amma, the value was that in the early morning, we were likely to encounter smaller crowds - which would help with picture taking efficiency as well as being less of a public spectacle (apparently normal people don't enjoy making a spectacle of themselves...).
Day Starts...
December 6 started in the Udipi Lodge – it’s a newer lodge (*), and very well-appointed. We paid 600 rupees, so just under $10 US. By American standards, the room was tiny, but by Indian standards it was fairly well done. It had many plugs, a good light, a good hot water system, filtered water at the desk, a great toilet (Western!) and everything was well laid out. Not a single centimeter wasted. Amma and I are pretty good at dancing around each other in tight spaces, so we did OK.
6:00 AM - Get Up, Get Dressed.
Getting into a Bharata Natyam costume is always an experience. The makeup is intense, the hair is copious, there can be 5 or more pieces to the costume, and getting my squinty little eyes to look not only large but in a sweat-proof way is an optical illusion that defies description. And it all should stay in place so it will not attempt to kill you while you dance. It takes me an hour on a good day, and 1.5-2 hours if anything goes wrong or I'm even a little bit nervous. And… call me crazy, but for photo things I am extra nervous, as I am way more confident as a dancer than as a model. So… I started with bathing at 6AM and we were finally out the door around 8, having had Chai brought to us by the lodge.
As per usual with me, I was at my most nervous in the room getting ready… as we left the lodge with stares of the lodge-keepers following us, it was like a calmness came – this calmness is a thing I like about being on stage. And let’s face it, as a 6’ American in Bharata Natyam attire, escorted by a small but strong Indian Amma, I will be on stage from the moment anyone at all sees me. Although we tried to cover me with a shawl, it was rather hopeless. Conjure the image of Big Bird trying to be inconspicuous by wearing sunglasses and a hoodie, and you'll be just about right.
8:00 AM
Girish, our driver, drove us the half-block to the temple, where we disembarked from the car and left our chapu . We climbed the stairs, and entered. It was a bit overcast and cool, for which I was thankful – costumes are made of fairly thick silk saris, and I am a sweaty person at the best of times, I figured I didn’t need the help.
Amma immediately booked a guide, and I was rather worried. In my mind, a guide would hurry us along, while taking around half an hour of our precious not-crowded-temple time… I had thought the goal was to grab some photos before the temple became too crowded…. So I was worried. I tried to grab Amma’s attention, but we were off and running....
As will all things in India – at some point it’s just best to grab the moment. This was one of those times… There is more than one guide working in the site, all certified by the Archeological Dept. of India – but they are not all the same. Some seem to care more than others – both about their visitors, and conveying the beauty of the temple. I got the feeling that this guide cared about both. He spoke clearly and really made an effort to make sure we understood. Also – when he saw our desire to take photos he really helped – telling me where to stand, and understanding immediately that we wanted to capture me-in-dance-pose images with some of the very famous dancing figures situated around the temple. These figures are really marvels – both technological and artistic.
As we proceeded, we ran into 3 photographers, at least one of whom spoke great English – they were Bharata Natyam photographers (moral of this trip = India will provide, just keep your heart open). We effectively made a trade – they were taking pictures, and would send me copies, in return for help modeling. Both of us were happy. We managed a few pictures before someone from the site stopped us, saying we’d need a special permit do to that. It was pretty clear these guys were professionals (they had awesome cameras) – so I guess I’m not surprised. But, it’s really annoying how some sites get all this attention and restriction, while others get barely preserved…. Personally, I’d rather see them stop people from touching the beautiful sculptures (as human hand oils can hurt many old surfaces) than keep people from taking pictures. Pictures preserve and celebrate the art – even for those who can’t be there.
With mixed emotions, we picked up the pace of our guided tour. This is where the guide proved to be even MORE awesome, as he definitely helped us sneak in a few more very good shots when the site keepers weren’t looking!
As we went through the sanctum, Amma had used her smarts and her unflinching persuasiveness to do the impossible. She really amazes me – she’s a force to be reckoned with and I'm so glad she's on my side! She persisted upon the priests to let me dance for the god. They said at 9:00, after the puja. I could basically catch what was being said, but not all the nuances. That started to get my hopes up and gave me a little time to prepare.
After rushing through the end of our tour, we ran to meet our timing!
9:00 AM
Outside of the main temple, Amma and I strategized a bit - in a way this is rather like a flash mob of one. While this is an actual stage (it's a dancing pedestal that was *built* to hold dancers since its 12th century creation), this isn't a full on production - it's just the two of us. After our quick game plan, we run in, bring flowers for blessing of the god, and check in with the priests. I stretch a bit (thank god for Aparna telling me long ago that if you don’t have a lot of time, 3 Sun Salutations can compensate for a whole lot of more rigorous stretching) – and then we are off.
A big tradition of Indian dance is to have your bells blessed by your guru prior to attaching them; Amma blessed my bells and I ran to a corner and strapped them on quickly, but firmly. This is where it really helps if you practiced a 2 hour show every Sunday for a few years... you get REALLY good at getting your bells on perfectly! In fact, the act of doing so feels like a meditation in and of itself.
Amma cleared the stage and made an announcement introducing our school, our lineage and me.
I took a few moments to pray (conveniently, there was Vishnu right there and I could ask “please don’t let me mess this up!!!”) and gather myself and we were off.
The Song...
The song that was absolutely essential to me was an Antepurageete called Yenimahanadeve. Ever since Aparna first taught it to me, I’ve felt it was special. The subject is a tribute to a dancer in one of the famous sculptures at Belur who is playing a drum (see the picture!). The poet asks – “why are you so happy, so ecstatic playing this drum?” – is it your lover? What is in your heart?”… The Answer: “Ah, I see, it’s the Smiling God, Vishnu”.
The combination of getting to be a truly ecstatic dancer, as well as the person watching her and marveling at her beauty always touches me for those are the two feelings that bring me back to dance again and again. I honestly feel that dance is prayer - for how else could it bring this feeling of joy and light? On my very happiest days and my very worst days - I dance, and I dance for myself - and the feeling is always there.
Also, the dance movements in this piece are a great example of Mysore shyli (i.e. my particular lineage of dance) – there’s a graceful bend and flow that you just don’t see in the other schools of Bharata Natyam. I love that I have had the opportunity to sink myself into this very special form - particularly since when I started I really had no clue and so I feel like I got very lucky - or else someone up there was really looking out for me that I found a style that suits me so well. If I knew 20 years ago all that I know now about Bharata Natyam - this is absolutely the form I would have chosen... even though finding teachers in this style is exceedingly rare. All you need is 1 great one. (I have two...)
When I was practicing for my Rangapravesha (i.e. Arangetram), I got to a point past groping for memory and struggling for endurance – where I was trying to perfect and put spirit into every single moment, every gesture. At that point in dance, you also have to keep breathing new life and new thought into each piece – it’s like feeding a fire. If you always have the same thought (especially technical thoughts!), you’ll end up losing the soul of the item. One of the best/worst things about dance is that a good dance is never the same twice. It can always be wonderful – but never the same – because it is people who do it and people are always changing.
One way I keep dance fresh is to think about the people I love and put the essence of them into the pieces - just like I am never the same from day to day - what I see and appreciate in those around me is never the same. In particular, I often thought of my fellow dancers and their spirit as they dance – the sheer unabashed good heart and big ass grin of Brigitte Bisoux as she tap dances was in the tilliana. The grace and sweetness of Devorah Darling was in some of the smoother more lyrical pieces. But for me – Yenimahanadeve – was always for me. Just me. My chance to connect to dance and to God. It's about how I feel when I dance - particularly when I dance with people I care about.
So there I am...
Standing on a pedestal that is around 800 years old.
Built at a time when famous queens are also famous dancers.
When a vital part of worshipping God was to build a space right in front for dance to be done for him. The floor is smooth with ages and ages of bare feet having perpetually caressed this floor.
In front of me is the god that I've always connected to the best, and around me are people who count this country as home and this history as their roots.
And it's me. While one part of me must certainly be Indian as I have this inexplicable connection to this time, this place, these people, the most obvious part of me is most definitely a 6' tall Caucasian American hi-tech manager from the snowy city of Boston. With my modern life, my modern loves, and a lifestyle that bears very little resemblance to anything that ever occurred at this temple - it seems like a miracle that I'm here at all. And yet - I may be happier to be here than many a native born Indian Bharata Natyam dancer - if only because it is so much less probable that I'd ever get this chance.
It was not the best version of this dance I’ve ever performed… but it was also far from the worst. But then I think I will never be 100% happy with my dance performances… and maybe that’s just how it is. Perhaps if I ever WAS 100% happy, I would stop trying to improve, and that would be the death of my dance.
I can certainly say – it had some wonderful moments. There were many of those very rare moments where I could feel the music and my body connecting, and the joy just pouring out. Midway into the performer there was a horn and bells that erupted outside – obliterating any hope of hearing my tiny iPhone speaker valiantly playing on the highest volume. But Aparna and I have drilled this song so much and for so many years – I could feel the music even without hearing it. When the horn/bells stopped, I was right were I expected to be!!
The last round – Vishnu smiling at the dancer – felt the best. Although I keep remembering all the lessons in male winking that Amma has given, and I was praying I was a masculine enough winker!! But then, that’s normal. I always see Amma’s winking face at this point and it makes my heart smile.
I concluded with the dancerly exit and then a Namaste to end (I hope, I did, anyway, it was all pretty blurry by then…).
The whole time, we had an audience – and once they realized I was really for sure done – they all clapped very fully and happily.
That may be when myself as a person came to the forefront and the professional dancer in me receded. The professional dancer won’t let a personal feeling interfere with a good show. If the feeing helps the show – it can come on stage with me. If not – it will have to be transmuted into something appropriate to the character and the performance, or it will have to wait! Not so much for Beth the person – I’m not good at hiding my feelings - for better or worse. Hopefully it was OK here – seeing the heartfelt joy in people’s faces, I realized what had just happened and how good it was and was pretty close to crying.
Amma did a good selfie video (she's a pro!), and asked if I wanted to say anything. I did and I gave it a shot, but it was like all the feelings and thoughts jammed themselves into my head. So I tried to talk and became incomprehensible as I started crying. Pretty much the same way people do when they win Publisher's Clearinghouse, or the Super Bowl. I ended the video quickly and passed it back to Amma, who wisely realized that for our video project it will be a hell of a lot better if I do a voice over at some later time!
That ended the most intense part of the day. As I left the temple and felt the cool air of a breezy, increasingly sunny day, it was like a bubble bursting in a spray of glitter – the “aaaahhhh” of a good backrub hitting you in just the right place, or some other perfection. If nothing else good happens this entire trip… this did. My first temple dance. In India. For a god I love.
Wrapping up at Belur (9:20 and after)
For the rest of our time in the temple, I was like the Giant American Bharata Natyam version of Mickey Mouse at Disney Word. And just like Disney, Amma had to become my handler. At first, in the temple, it was happy people who had just seen my dance, and clearly wanted to capture a moment. That was honest and true and extremely gratifying.
Then it became tougher. I had already given Amma the shawl I'd worn that morning, and I had ZERO desire to put another shred of clothing on my already profoundly sweaty self. But we really couldn’t go more than 5 min without a photo request. Selfies are a global human condition now - what a sadly unifying characteristic! And just like in the US - it started to become clear that the photo ops had no connection to who I am as a dancer - I could have been a clever cardboard cutout and gotten the same level of appreciation. So Amma started fending people off. At first I felt really bad. As a struggling dance troupe in the US, the Boston Beautease are shameless photo givers – we just want folks to tag us on Instagram or FB - it's a necessary part of small troupe promotion. But Amma was right – we wouldn’t get anything done with all this pausing for photos, and the trip should be about study, not making other tourists happy. It is my love of learning funding this trip... we need to satisfy THAT most of all.
We spent another hour feeding my desire to take a picture of every viable example of dress and daily life in the Hoysala temple, including absolutely POURING over a secondary temple on the premises that wasn't getting nearly the love it deserved from most tourists, in terms of the beauty of its carvings. Did I mention that I am so thankful that Amma is a kindred spirit? She writes books on the history of Kannada literature (her PhD expertise!) and knows what it is to want to deeply examine every aspect of an historical artifact to confirm or develop some strange thesis that only *you* care about (at least at the moment). She supports my desire to recreate and thus better understand the clothing/hair/jewelry of medieval India - so she was a total collaborator on helping find and collect as many pictures as possible and we bounced ideas and theories off of each other as we went along. Collating all this info will take me months... it's daunting but exciting.
10:30
We wrapped up at Belur. Leaving the temple, I also splurged on a smiling Vishnu statue for home. It’s really beautiful, and also heavy…. Vishnu is giving me a bit of grief right now - it turns out I stupidly left him at the Mysore house - and getting just about ANYTHING from India to the US isn't easy, especially if it's heavy. I'm hoping now that my teacher Aparna - who is in Mysore as I write - will be able to grab him and bring him at least to LA. But the couple of kilos of a 5 metal statue is a lot to ask as domestic flights are seriously limited in what they allow for baggage. And shipping to the US is a battle of paperwork, logistics and money that I hate to ask for. I'm trying to be copasetic with the idea that Vishnu may just have chosen to stay in Mysore... but I sure hope not.
We hadn't even had breakfast yet... so we planned out our next set of tactics:
And given the value of having pictures in my costume, Amma suggested I stay in costume. This is a double edged sword - Bharata Natyam costumes are the opposite of comfortable. They are not too constrictive, after all they are for incredibly active dance! - but the amount of pins, ties, and tightly applied everything means that some part of you is guaranteed to be itchy and hurting in about 1/2 an hour.
But was I game? Heck yeah. I am in India once every ten years, I'm near such beautiful temples even less. And I adore the gorgeousness of this costume. And let's face it - I adore being center of attention, have no shame, and will readily suffer for fashion. Here we go!
I think the next temple deserves it's own post - so stay tuned!
* = India travel for Americans: a “hotel” is a place you pay money to eat (ie, a restaurant). A “room” or a “lodge” is place you say. If you say hotel, people will think you are hungry. Also – if you need a cellphone cable, you go to a “mobile store”. Not “electronics” and you can forget about the idea of a Staples or a CVS carrying your cable.
But after banging my head against picture sorting, and web page editing for 5 days, I wanted to get something DONE.
I originally wrote this post on the day it occurred. It was meant to catch everyone up on my trip to Belur. But it was so much more than that.
Trip to Belur - Dec. 5-6, 2019
After a trip to Halebide on the 5th, we visited the Belur temple. We had visited briefly the night before, but it was already dark (6:30 PM) when we arrived, so we mostly walked around, enjoyed it, saw the 7PM Puja and had some Prasad. I was very glad we went that day, because even stepping onto the temple grounds was overwhelming for me. I admit, I was also tired, and we'd had a long journey, but something magical is there, and it spoke to my heart.Also seeing Vishnu during the Puja touched me. This particular instance of Vishnu is called the beautiful Vishnu or Smiling Vishnu and I think maybe he is the Vishnu for this part of my life… the way Rangathna was the Vishnu for my 20's. When I first saw Ranganatha in 1998, he spoke to me it was such a strong presence that reminded me that there are many ways to see God - it's not limited to a single religion - He's so much bigger than that… now, 21 years later, I feel like the Vishnu in Belur is speaking, although he is saying something different. I don’t know quite what…. But sometimes figuring out what God is trying to say can take a while. It's always worth the work.
…. But before I go wandering off into my Hindu/Christian spiritual philosophy, let me get back to the action…
On the drive to Belur, Amma and I had concocted our Great Plan - namely, that tomorrow morning, I'd get dressed in a full costume with the intent of taking (at a bare minimum) some static pictures on one of our cell phones at this temple. While I'm always one for a crazy outfit, and some potential public humiliation - something about changing in the car at Halebide was a turn-off for me - probably just that it was a lot of work for a minimal reward. But seeing the beauty of Belur + the opportunity to get dressed in an actual hotel room (and bathroom) - got me onboard. For Amma, the value was that in the early morning, we were likely to encounter smaller crowds - which would help with picture taking efficiency as well as being less of a public spectacle (apparently normal people don't enjoy making a spectacle of themselves...).
Day Starts...December 6 started in the Udipi Lodge – it’s a newer lodge (*), and very well-appointed. We paid 600 rupees, so just under $10 US. By American standards, the room was tiny, but by Indian standards it was fairly well done. It had many plugs, a good light, a good hot water system, filtered water at the desk, a great toilet (Western!) and everything was well laid out. Not a single centimeter wasted. Amma and I are pretty good at dancing around each other in tight spaces, so we did OK.
6:00 AM - Get Up, Get Dressed.
Getting into a Bharata Natyam costume is always an experience. The makeup is intense, the hair is copious, there can be 5 or more pieces to the costume, and getting my squinty little eyes to look not only large but in a sweat-proof way is an optical illusion that defies description. And it all should stay in place so it will not attempt to kill you while you dance. It takes me an hour on a good day, and 1.5-2 hours if anything goes wrong or I'm even a little bit nervous. And… call me crazy, but for photo things I am extra nervous, as I am way more confident as a dancer than as a model. So… I started with bathing at 6AM and we were finally out the door around 8, having had Chai brought to us by the lodge.
As per usual with me, I was at my most nervous in the room getting ready… as we left the lodge with stares of the lodge-keepers following us, it was like a calmness came – this calmness is a thing I like about being on stage. And let’s face it, as a 6’ American in Bharata Natyam attire, escorted by a small but strong Indian Amma, I will be on stage from the moment anyone at all sees me. Although we tried to cover me with a shawl, it was rather hopeless. Conjure the image of Big Bird trying to be inconspicuous by wearing sunglasses and a hoodie, and you'll be just about right.
8:00 AM
Girish, our driver, drove us the half-block to the temple, where we disembarked from the car and left our chapu . We climbed the stairs, and entered. It was a bit overcast and cool, for which I was thankful – costumes are made of fairly thick silk saris, and I am a sweaty person at the best of times, I figured I didn’t need the help.
Amma immediately booked a guide, and I was rather worried. In my mind, a guide would hurry us along, while taking around half an hour of our precious not-crowded-temple time… I had thought the goal was to grab some photos before the temple became too crowded…. So I was worried. I tried to grab Amma’s attention, but we were off and running....
As will all things in India – at some point it’s just best to grab the moment. This was one of those times… There is more than one guide working in the site, all certified by the Archeological Dept. of India – but they are not all the same. Some seem to care more than others – both about their visitors, and conveying the beauty of the temple. I got the feeling that this guide cared about both. He spoke clearly and really made an effort to make sure we understood. Also – when he saw our desire to take photos he really helped – telling me where to stand, and understanding immediately that we wanted to capture me-in-dance-pose images with some of the very famous dancing figures situated around the temple. These figures are really marvels – both technological and artistic. As we proceeded, we ran into 3 photographers, at least one of whom spoke great English – they were Bharata Natyam photographers (moral of this trip = India will provide, just keep your heart open). We effectively made a trade – they were taking pictures, and would send me copies, in return for help modeling. Both of us were happy. We managed a few pictures before someone from the site stopped us, saying we’d need a special permit do to that. It was pretty clear these guys were professionals (they had awesome cameras) – so I guess I’m not surprised. But, it’s really annoying how some sites get all this attention and restriction, while others get barely preserved…. Personally, I’d rather see them stop people from touching the beautiful sculptures (as human hand oils can hurt many old surfaces) than keep people from taking pictures. Pictures preserve and celebrate the art – even for those who can’t be there.
With mixed emotions, we picked up the pace of our guided tour. This is where the guide proved to be even MORE awesome, as he definitely helped us sneak in a few more very good shots when the site keepers weren’t looking!
As we went through the sanctum, Amma had used her smarts and her unflinching persuasiveness to do the impossible. She really amazes me – she’s a force to be reckoned with and I'm so glad she's on my side! She persisted upon the priests to let me dance for the god. They said at 9:00, after the puja. I could basically catch what was being said, but not all the nuances. That started to get my hopes up and gave me a little time to prepare.
After rushing through the end of our tour, we ran to meet our timing!
9:00 AM
Outside of the main temple, Amma and I strategized a bit - in a way this is rather like a flash mob of one. While this is an actual stage (it's a dancing pedestal that was *built* to hold dancers since its 12th century creation), this isn't a full on production - it's just the two of us. After our quick game plan, we run in, bring flowers for blessing of the god, and check in with the priests. I stretch a bit (thank god for Aparna telling me long ago that if you don’t have a lot of time, 3 Sun Salutations can compensate for a whole lot of more rigorous stretching) – and then we are off. A big tradition of Indian dance is to have your bells blessed by your guru prior to attaching them; Amma blessed my bells and I ran to a corner and strapped them on quickly, but firmly. This is where it really helps if you practiced a 2 hour show every Sunday for a few years... you get REALLY good at getting your bells on perfectly! In fact, the act of doing so feels like a meditation in and of itself.
Amma cleared the stage and made an announcement introducing our school, our lineage and me.
I took a few moments to pray (conveniently, there was Vishnu right there and I could ask “please don’t let me mess this up!!!”) and gather myself and we were off.
The Song...
The song that was absolutely essential to me was an Antepurageete called Yenimahanadeve. Ever since Aparna first taught it to me, I’ve felt it was special. The subject is a tribute to a dancer in one of the famous sculptures at Belur who is playing a drum (see the picture!). The poet asks – “why are you so happy, so ecstatic playing this drum?” – is it your lover? What is in your heart?”… The Answer: “Ah, I see, it’s the Smiling God, Vishnu”.
The combination of getting to be a truly ecstatic dancer, as well as the person watching her and marveling at her beauty always touches me for those are the two feelings that bring me back to dance again and again. I honestly feel that dance is prayer - for how else could it bring this feeling of joy and light? On my very happiest days and my very worst days - I dance, and I dance for myself - and the feeling is always there.
Also, the dance movements in this piece are a great example of Mysore shyli (i.e. my particular lineage of dance) – there’s a graceful bend and flow that you just don’t see in the other schools of Bharata Natyam. I love that I have had the opportunity to sink myself into this very special form - particularly since when I started I really had no clue and so I feel like I got very lucky - or else someone up there was really looking out for me that I found a style that suits me so well. If I knew 20 years ago all that I know now about Bharata Natyam - this is absolutely the form I would have chosen... even though finding teachers in this style is exceedingly rare. All you need is 1 great one. (I have two...)
When I was practicing for my Rangapravesha (i.e. Arangetram), I got to a point past groping for memory and struggling for endurance – where I was trying to perfect and put spirit into every single moment, every gesture. At that point in dance, you also have to keep breathing new life and new thought into each piece – it’s like feeding a fire. If you always have the same thought (especially technical thoughts!), you’ll end up losing the soul of the item. One of the best/worst things about dance is that a good dance is never the same twice. It can always be wonderful – but never the same – because it is people who do it and people are always changing.
One way I keep dance fresh is to think about the people I love and put the essence of them into the pieces - just like I am never the same from day to day - what I see and appreciate in those around me is never the same. In particular, I often thought of my fellow dancers and their spirit as they dance – the sheer unabashed good heart and big ass grin of Brigitte Bisoux as she tap dances was in the tilliana. The grace and sweetness of Devorah Darling was in some of the smoother more lyrical pieces. But for me – Yenimahanadeve – was always for me. Just me. My chance to connect to dance and to God. It's about how I feel when I dance - particularly when I dance with people I care about.
So there I am...
Standing on a pedestal that is around 800 years old.
Built at a time when famous queens are also famous dancers.
When a vital part of worshipping God was to build a space right in front for dance to be done for him. The floor is smooth with ages and ages of bare feet having perpetually caressed this floor.
In front of me is the god that I've always connected to the best, and around me are people who count this country as home and this history as their roots.
And it's me. While one part of me must certainly be Indian as I have this inexplicable connection to this time, this place, these people, the most obvious part of me is most definitely a 6' tall Caucasian American hi-tech manager from the snowy city of Boston. With my modern life, my modern loves, and a lifestyle that bears very little resemblance to anything that ever occurred at this temple - it seems like a miracle that I'm here at all. And yet - I may be happier to be here than many a native born Indian Bharata Natyam dancer - if only because it is so much less probable that I'd ever get this chance.
It was not the best version of this dance I’ve ever performed… but it was also far from the worst. But then I think I will never be 100% happy with my dance performances… and maybe that’s just how it is. Perhaps if I ever WAS 100% happy, I would stop trying to improve, and that would be the death of my dance.
I can certainly say – it had some wonderful moments. There were many of those very rare moments where I could feel the music and my body connecting, and the joy just pouring out. Midway into the performer there was a horn and bells that erupted outside – obliterating any hope of hearing my tiny iPhone speaker valiantly playing on the highest volume. But Aparna and I have drilled this song so much and for so many years – I could feel the music even without hearing it. When the horn/bells stopped, I was right were I expected to be!!
The last round – Vishnu smiling at the dancer – felt the best. Although I keep remembering all the lessons in male winking that Amma has given, and I was praying I was a masculine enough winker!! But then, that’s normal. I always see Amma’s winking face at this point and it makes my heart smile.
I concluded with the dancerly exit and then a Namaste to end (I hope, I did, anyway, it was all pretty blurry by then…).
The whole time, we had an audience – and once they realized I was really for sure done – they all clapped very fully and happily.
That may be when myself as a person came to the forefront and the professional dancer in me receded. The professional dancer won’t let a personal feeling interfere with a good show. If the feeing helps the show – it can come on stage with me. If not – it will have to be transmuted into something appropriate to the character and the performance, or it will have to wait! Not so much for Beth the person – I’m not good at hiding my feelings - for better or worse. Hopefully it was OK here – seeing the heartfelt joy in people’s faces, I realized what had just happened and how good it was and was pretty close to crying.
Amma did a good selfie video (she's a pro!), and asked if I wanted to say anything. I did and I gave it a shot, but it was like all the feelings and thoughts jammed themselves into my head. So I tried to talk and became incomprehensible as I started crying. Pretty much the same way people do when they win Publisher's Clearinghouse, or the Super Bowl. I ended the video quickly and passed it back to Amma, who wisely realized that for our video project it will be a hell of a lot better if I do a voice over at some later time!
That ended the most intense part of the day. As I left the temple and felt the cool air of a breezy, increasingly sunny day, it was like a bubble bursting in a spray of glitter – the “aaaahhhh” of a good backrub hitting you in just the right place, or some other perfection. If nothing else good happens this entire trip… this did. My first temple dance. In India. For a god I love.
Wrapping up at Belur (9:20 and after)
For the rest of our time in the temple, I was like the Giant American Bharata Natyam version of Mickey Mouse at Disney Word. And just like Disney, Amma had to become my handler. At first, in the temple, it was happy people who had just seen my dance, and clearly wanted to capture a moment. That was honest and true and extremely gratifying.Then it became tougher. I had already given Amma the shawl I'd worn that morning, and I had ZERO desire to put another shred of clothing on my already profoundly sweaty self. But we really couldn’t go more than 5 min without a photo request. Selfies are a global human condition now - what a sadly unifying characteristic! And just like in the US - it started to become clear that the photo ops had no connection to who I am as a dancer - I could have been a clever cardboard cutout and gotten the same level of appreciation. So Amma started fending people off. At first I felt really bad. As a struggling dance troupe in the US, the Boston Beautease are shameless photo givers – we just want folks to tag us on Instagram or FB - it's a necessary part of small troupe promotion. But Amma was right – we wouldn’t get anything done with all this pausing for photos, and the trip should be about study, not making other tourists happy. It is my love of learning funding this trip... we need to satisfy THAT most of all.
We spent another hour feeding my desire to take a picture of every viable example of dress and daily life in the Hoysala temple, including absolutely POURING over a secondary temple on the premises that wasn't getting nearly the love it deserved from most tourists, in terms of the beauty of its carvings. Did I mention that I am so thankful that Amma is a kindred spirit? She writes books on the history of Kannada literature (her PhD expertise!) and knows what it is to want to deeply examine every aspect of an historical artifact to confirm or develop some strange thesis that only *you* care about (at least at the moment). She supports my desire to recreate and thus better understand the clothing/hair/jewelry of medieval India - so she was a total collaborator on helping find and collect as many pictures as possible and we bounced ideas and theories off of each other as we went along. Collating all this info will take me months... it's daunting but exciting.
10:30
We wrapped up at Belur. Leaving the temple, I also splurged on a smiling Vishnu statue for home. It’s really beautiful, and also heavy…. Vishnu is giving me a bit of grief right now - it turns out I stupidly left him at the Mysore house - and getting just about ANYTHING from India to the US isn't easy, especially if it's heavy. I'm hoping now that my teacher Aparna - who is in Mysore as I write - will be able to grab him and bring him at least to LA. But the couple of kilos of a 5 metal statue is a lot to ask as domestic flights are seriously limited in what they allow for baggage. And shipping to the US is a battle of paperwork, logistics and money that I hate to ask for. I'm trying to be copasetic with the idea that Vishnu may just have chosen to stay in Mysore... but I sure hope not.
We hadn't even had breakfast yet... so we planned out our next set of tactics:
- Breakfast!
- Check out of the lodge
- Off to ANOTHER Temple - the temple tour continues!!
And given the value of having pictures in my costume, Amma suggested I stay in costume. This is a double edged sword - Bharata Natyam costumes are the opposite of comfortable. They are not too constrictive, after all they are for incredibly active dance! - but the amount of pins, ties, and tightly applied everything means that some part of you is guaranteed to be itchy and hurting in about 1/2 an hour.
But was I game? Heck yeah. I am in India once every ten years, I'm near such beautiful temples even less. And I adore the gorgeousness of this costume. And let's face it - I adore being center of attention, have no shame, and will readily suffer for fashion. Here we go!
I think the next temple deserves it's own post - so stay tuned!
* = India travel for Americans: a “hotel” is a place you pay money to eat (ie, a restaurant). A “room” or a “lodge” is place you say. If you say hotel, people will think you are hungry. Also – if you need a cellphone cable, you go to a “mobile store”. Not “electronics” and you can forget about the idea of a Staples or a CVS carrying your cable.
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Date: 2019-12-27 07:22 pm (UTC)